they always said that college was an experience that you will never forget.  at firste i thought ....great.....awesome...cool.  and then i began to hate it.  i hadnt opened myself up to it.  the partying and binge drinking got old quick...not for me...the people around me were annoying and i felt like the only one who didnt throw up to look pretty.  i wanted to stick my finger down so far to get rid of all of them...i would gag them away.....but nope...it seemed as if my short stubby fingers werent capable of doing so.  the smoke rings made sense to me now.  they spelled out my frustrations at 3 in the morning, and they told me to have one more just to calm my thoughts.  that started as a social habit the first two weeks...but became the only thing i could hold onto...tobacco rolled up between my two forefingers.  i coulnt help but watch my fingers as i inhaled and exhaled. my how pretty my long fingers looked..i looked elegant.../like i had just fell out of a 1920s movie.  i felt beautiful at times when i remembered the good thoughts i use to have about people../and all of the good deeds i wanted so badly to do.  but i would soon forget them, and drown in my own bad grades and lazy habbits and sleep deprivation and lack of motivation.  i became a blob..intending to stare at the walls and learn my studies through osmosis.  i needed so badly to get away from home..burnt out of school and family../.but i became depressed because being free wasnt all it said it would be.  i missed my family even more.  i knew they probably all thought i was out partying my life away due to my bad grades and my voice on the telephone after a long night of doing nothing but staring at my ceiling.....but i wish that was my excuse.  molly and i would go to see ishmael and grab a pack so that the smoke would wipe away all of my tears.  my family hated me for being at school.  i just knew it. because they thought i was doing so bad.  and i was. and they were right.  but they had no idea it was because of my self loathing..and not from the partyintg.  i became anti social.  all i wanted was to have richard to come and nurse me back to health.  i wanted him to be with me. i was so mad i hated my situation.  i tried to get involved in school like i overdid it in high school, bu things were different now. i was a procrastinator, not happy with anything.  i wasnt myself-not up to my full potential.  but.....as time went by...as time did not fly by but painstakingly drudged by,. i am now the happiest i have ever been.  dorm life was not for me.  i always wanted to be wild...an edthat was my growth spurt...thank god i didnt do anything to kill my future.  i live with my granparents, i drive to school, i go to class, i am involved because i want to be not because i should be, i have great ideas, i have a degree plan, and i am happy; happy and not so healthy but getting there. i am surrounding myself with the people ive always wanted to surround myself with...its not like high school were you are forced to like people you dont.....sam, collen, maca, kristi, dad mom meg lacy matty and little libby.  best friends for life.....i never was one of those people who could keep a best friend....and its funny because i went to college with a girl that was "my best friend" in high school and at the beginning of my first semester...but things change...we grow up...and the only reason the relationship stayed alive was because she needed me to need her and want her.//.she needed the attention.../.but once i quit showing her all of my attention.//the friendship was lost..that is why she goes home to get what she needs from the home town groupies.  and thats ok../bc that is what she needs..but i am more independant than relying on a high school sweetheart loved by all to give me what i need.  i need a friend who will treat me with the same respect i treat them with, and if they dont...why should i call them a friend?  not a foe of course...you should try not not to have those...but an aquaintance.  and strictly that.  after losing her chains i became mentally free...i had done it to myself.  allowed myself to need people to need me. 

i am happy again..and nothing can stop this rollin ball of shunshine....i love the world and it loves me....i found what was beautiful....i looked inside me.

hey sis.  well, you didnt have a site and i thought id just be the b-e-autiful person i am and make you your own.  its not too hard to figure out. just  keep this thing updated as often as you can, maybe even every day. . . or twice, thrice. . . or heck, everytime you go crappin', id like to hear about it.

just consider this a going away present, since i didnt get  you one.

cheap, i know.

nobody loves you,

meag

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